It's 3:42pm, do you know where your life's at?

I've been trying improve who I am on the inside. Maybe that will improve who I am on the outside, because I sure hate what I look like. People tell me I'm pretty and creepy men hit on me, but that's about the extent of it. I feel as if the people who say I'm pretty say it out of obligation or to get into my pants...or they're just old and that's just whatever.
Ever since I left Philly, I felt like I left myself behind. When I was packing, that's the one thing I forgot.
I'm not myself lately and I don't know why. Was I focusing on work so much that I forgot who I was? Or is it that I've become so dependent on my friends that I can't function on my own without them.
If that's the case, I don't know how I feel about that. I want to be able to be independent with the commodity of people around me as a plus. I can't spend the rest of my life being so dependent on people. What I have found is that it's usually disappointing and I walk on eggshells around them because I'm afraid they're gonna leave me. The reason why I want them at such a distance is because more often than not, I'm helping them, but when I need help their so involved in their own problems or lives that they cannot invest some time to hear me out. I mean, there are about two people I can depend on in this entire world to be there. I guess that's better than none. But, I can't help feeling that I'm being taken advantage of. It's in my nature to help people. I don't do it because I want recognition, but I hate feeling alone.
Recently, I was slapped in the face. Not psychically, but in a way I never thought I would. After all the birthdays I have been a part of or made plans for people this year, I was ditched. Completely. I made plans with the one friend from school who lived the closest to me, just to get a call two days before that they were going to visit their boyfriend and maybe we could meet up the next morning, not noting our aforementioned plans. Did they think I was going to forget or that out of the one day out of the year I ask them to devote one day to me aside from their boyfriend especially when I've been going through such a shitty point in my life and all I ask for is just one day.
Maybe I'm complaining too much and letting stupid things get to me. Or maybe I deserve it. Who really knows.
My hatred for Dennis multiplies each day for various reasons. While my mother and I are living in a one bedroom apartment smaller than my dorm, Dennis is down the hall in a spacious two bedroom because he claims he needed the space.
Way to go, asshole. Really? Thanks. I'm glad me and my mom alternate between the couch and the bed and then have no room for any of my shit cause of you. Thanks a lot. You're the father I never had. Oh wait. No. My father actually did something you wouldn't do: stay the fuck away from me and my mother.
He is the baby brother I never had. And never wanted.
When I'm away at school he's fine. Why? Because I'm not around. But, the second I come home, he becomes a wreck and has declared warfare, his main weapon being pining for my mother's attention, making sure it's all directed at him and she's neglecting me.
Yipee. I get to sit home alone, all day. Then when she comes home, she's either on the phone or he wants her down the hall. I swear, the only time I ever get to spend with her is when she is asking for my help on something. I feel as if she wants nothing to do with me. I'm just some clutter in her life. I love her to bits, but I feel like she constantly puts me aside because I won't ever leave her.
How was my birthday? I got no presents. Why? She didn't have the time or money.
My birthday was probably the most depressing one yet. The only saving grace was that I hung out with Mary Cate and Gagi cooked me a dinner and I was surrounded by lovely people who love me. And I am so lucky for that.
I don't know what's wrong with me because I let all this negative shit eat at me and I never fulyl enjoy things.
This is my life. It's all I have. I want to enjoy it and I can't find out what's stopping me.

Well, I have to take a shit.
-Caiti

Truth

I'm willing to bet my life on the fact that people look at me and thank God they are not me and don't look like me.

Hurricane

I had a good day yesterday.
Really good.
I was supposed to hang out with time, but like clockwork, he ditched me. I didn't care 'cause I was planning on ditching him too.
I woke up. I then took a shower, made myself breakfast, and put air in the tires of my bike. After they were all full, I took a ride to the bank, deposited some cash, then rode back home. I smoked, a lot. Then bought myself a ticket to the Less Than Jake show on Saturday, which is going to be fabulous. In my heavy stupor, I watched some bad tv, which was really good. I went to CVS, got on the bus to the mall, and saw Watchmen.
I was so scared to go by myself so far while I was so fucked up, but it was such a fun adventure. And Watchmen was so fucking good. It's filmed so well. And the colors are so vibrant and..
Well, if you haven't seen it, you should.
My spring break is almost finished. My first night back was rough. I came home to find that everything back home is springing out of control. I hope something good comes of all of this. Probably not.
Then I went to the Bronx to meet up with my dad (which was SO awkward) and he gave me a tour of the new Yankee Stadium. I don't feel related to him. Whenever I see him or hang out with him, it's like the few hours I hang out with him don't belong in the chronology of my life and they are set aside in a different dimension.
I guess that's the definition of estranged. It was a cool tour...but we didn't have anything to say to each other.
I was hoping maybe he'd give me some money as a gift for turning 18, graduating high school, and going to college, and through all of that never giving me a fucking dime while me and my mom lived without running water or electricity.
But, I was expecting too much. Most of our conversation was him asking me about where I went to school and what my major was.
That night I hung out with Conway and Dan and we went to Conway's Dad's place of work and smoked. I got really high. We took a ride to McDonalds and dropped Dan off and came back here and watched Slumdog Millionaire. I fell asleep watching it, haha.
Saturday me and Blake went up to Mana's. It was so fucking nice to get away. Her home is so fucking pretty and relaxing. We drove around, went to target (got munchie food) and smoked in her club house-thing. It's like a mini-house her Dad built. It's so cute.
The next day we went to this dam that was so pretty. It was this big waterfall and it was pretty. We hung out at Mana's more then decided to go to Blake's a day early. We got there at like...9. We hung out, then went to this "club house" (that's seriously what it was called. she lives in this really high end development). It looked like the place Clue took place in. It had a kitchen, large bathrooms with a shower, massage room, steam room, and sauna. We smoked in the steam room. It was so cool. It got so steamy, we couldn't even see out of the thing we were in. We went back and watched Prom night, which I found funny.
The next day, we went to IHOP and it was really good. We dropped Blake off, then me and mana went to my house, smoked, then went to Chili's. After that, she had to go home. I chilled at home the next day, then Mary Cate picked me up. I hung out with her and it was really nice. We went to Qdoba and then just chilled at her house. I went to the show the next night, which kinda sucked. But, whatever. I went home that night.
The next day was the best day ever.
I'm supposed to be packing my room up or something.
I can't bring myself to do it.

Hey 2009

So, I don't feel any different.
Everything seems the same.
But, I do have to admit that this was one of the best new years eve's I've ever had.
Colleen came up the Monday before New Years eve from Philly. I was so happy to see her. She pulled me out of this perpetually pathetic depression I have been in since I left Philly. Christina came up that day too and the three of us went to the mall. I think we just walked around. We got back to my place, dyed mine and Colleen's hair blonde and then Christina split. The next day me and Coll woke up around 2:30 and made our way to Steve's for a party....I got trashed, Coll was high. We chilled for a good while, then bounced.
The next day could probably equate to three whole days. I mean, that's what it felt like. And usually, that insinuates something tedious and bad. But, this was not the case. It was just...so much happened it could have been three days. Me and Coll woke up early, got ready and caught the train to the city to meet Gia. After sitting in Port Authority listening to a painful hour and a half round of week old Christmas Music the Greyhound from Philly arrived with Gia and we went to Penn Station and hopped on the LIRR to Bethpage, Lawng Oiiland.
It was a packed train. Me and Coll sat next to eachother, Gia sat in front of us. The entire time, some orange lady was talking about her many failed marriages and her kids. She seemed a little young to have such an extensive past, but she had "gold-digger" pretty much branded on her forehead. I wish a pre-nup on her current husband.
We get to Bethpage in the -1000000 degree freezing weather. Christina picked us up. My door didn't work so I had to climb into the back seat to get out. The door froze shut. I dropped of my shit, we all went to Panera, got booze, and went to the train station. We sat in the cars and waited. In that time I pretty much dumped out the majority of my soda and filled the bottle with some rum, then filled up my flask (while spilling it over myself).
The nine of us got on the train. Me, Coll, Gia, and Justin were the only ones drinking at this point. I think. I don't know. I kinda assume everyone's sober when I'm fucked up. By the time we got to Penn Station, I was gone. We got a spot on 53rd at around 10.
It was fucking freezeing. Looking back on it, it seems like five very cold minutes. But in that time some dude looking like he was from Hogwarts pissed on my boot (and maybe my leg, I guess I'll never know).
I think that was the most excited I've ever been counting down til the New Year. I mean, a year that had such high expctations was really a disapointment. But that's what I learned this year. The higher the expectations, murphy's law, the greater the disappointment.
Anyways, we got back to Long Island and the party started. Everyone was fucked up. I just got more fucked up and, I don't know how it started or ended, hooked up with someone and then woke up the next morning at 11....still drunk.
I didn't sober up til 4/5 in the afternoon, lol.
I spent the next few days on Long Island and went home that Saturday and saw Rocky in Bergenfield with Christina and Emily.
Everything has been pretty slow since then.
I just want to be back in Philly. I love it there.

It's...whatever

I feel like the most thankless person. It makes me borderline sick. I feel like Christmas is just a waste of time and money and nothing more. I wish it never existed. It's a bunch of shit. Family time this, buy me that. Seriously? If it weren't for a few people, family wouldn't mean jack shit for me. I've only had one part of my family there for me ever. And I have a lot of family. I feel like the back sheep all the time. My Uncle was having all of our family over today.

I guess I'm not family 'cause I wasn't invited.

I'm never invited to anything. That's my uncle. I don't know why, but even when my aunt five minutes away has anything, I'm not invited. I guess it's 'cause my Dad doesn't want to see me there? I don't understand. As a kid I used to always be seeing them. You can't just be there one second and then decide you want nothing to do with me. Like, on St. Patrick's day, I got drunk in the city and ended up calling my dad. I met up with him and he was with one of my uncles and his three kids, all over 21. And they all kept saying to me, drunk as shit, "Caitlin, I'm so sorry, I feel like we've neglected you." Well, no shit. Now all this shit with my Aunt is eating away at me. Every facet of trust I invested in her has been destroyed and ultimately backfired. How can someone do this their sister and all. It makes me about sick. Is everyone an asshole in this world? But then there are people like Mary and Gagi and Mary Cate that are proof that there are good people out there.
I feel like my mom is too tired to be my mom. Like, she wants to be done. She never wants to do anything with me and she takes no interest in anything that I do aside from school....and me not getting a tattoo. Christmas, money was tight and I didn't get anything I particularly liked, but like every other year, I pretended to like it. I'm getting my iPod when my mom gets paid from WalMart 'cause I have a $100 gift cert. to there. It just makes me so upset 'cause I always see so much that I want, but can't have, so I don't tell anyone. But, then there's Dennis who at the drop of a hat who buys $300 worth of shit....while I can't register for my classes yet 'cause I'm not financially cleared. That has me so stressed out. This has been going on for over a month and my mom hasn't done anything about it. Is it going to be taken care of when I go back to school? I'm freaking out. My mom says to stop bugging her about it and that she'll take care of it, but it's beena month and she still hasn't done anything. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I can't breathe. Sometimes, at night, as I'm trying to go to sleep, I'll just have panic attacks because I can't stop thinking about everything. I can't breathe. And I keep thinking I'm going to die. I can't live like this. No matter what I do with myself, I just feel completely inadequate and discontent.
I don't want to die with regrets.
I guess that's enough bullshit for one sitting.

I Give Up

I've probably ruined all my chances with him and it kills me no matter how hard I try to put myself in denial. It's going to be easier now that I won't see him every day, but I still can't get him off my mind. It's absolutely killing me.
What's worse is, I always have my friends around me but I still feel so lonely. It's wrong.
I hate boys and for the life of me can't deal with them.

I'm taking a break from homework to clear my head.
Me and Mary laid on my floor in the dark and looked at the shadows on the ceiling as we skipped our elective. We listened to music and talked. I finally relaxed. It was nice.
But, to be honest I can't stop thinking about this son of a bitch. I can't talk to him without stuttering or going blank. It's impossible. And I get so jumpy, I just ignore him. I'm giving him the wrong message, I know. But, I like him too much it'll hurt. I think he likes me back. After everything that went on. And today he bumped into me, but I was too nervous to turn my head. He then continued to make strange noises. He would.
I wish I wasn't such a tool. Hah.

If Columbus Was Wrong, I'd Drive Straight Off the Edge

Thursday was such a weird night. I went to Anderson to do my homework and then this kid came in to do his work to. He began having random outbursts, so I asked him whatsup. He said he couldn't stop thinking about this girl and it was driving him nuts. I went back to doing my work and he said something along the lines of, " I can't work with you here." And I ignored the comment. But, he went on. And I was like, "who do you like," and he's like, "Guess". I was like, "I really don't know." And he smiles at me, tilting his head. "Guess." "Mary? I don't know." "No, just guess." Well, I finally shy-ed away from the conversation.

I don't even know what I'm feeling now. I can't tell if I'm hung over or tired. This weekend was comprised of two extremeites. Fun and not fun. Friday night was just fun. I got drunk with people and hung out on top of superfresh, which was fun. We came back to the dorm and danced around and passed out on my floor. The next day it was intensely rainey, but me and Amanda were gonna go down to South street anyways. Along the way, we found Blake. My new friend that I made the night before when I was drunk as shit. The three of us went down and went shopping for a long time. We got back and began getting ready for the party. I was dressed up as a cat. I looked pretty banging. We got to the party, and I drank way too much. I spent a lot of time outside chain smoking and being stupid and loud. Looking back on it now, I feel like such an idiot. Then, Amanda tells me that that kid from Anderson is at the party. I go outside and hug him really hard. Oh jeez. At some point, I end up down stairs at the keg and he's there, so I go over to talk to him. I pretty much harassed him about who he liked. I kept saying, "you totally like blah blah" over and over again, after he fought me on it, he agreeed. I'm not sure if it wasn an attempt to shut me up or what. But, I wound up slippig and falling. He helped me up and took me to the couch and made sure I was okay. I must have looks like such an idiot, I can't even handle it.

Then, today in class it was so awkward. I don't even know why. He would try and talk to me, but I just felt so upset that I guess it seeed like I was pushing him away. And he was saying to me, "I didn't say anything....if you know what I mean." But, I didn't and I wasn't about to ask him.
I'm just so confused right now.

Well

I can't believe how fast this week went.
I thought my homesick-ness was done for, but sometimes I just feel so desolate and empty. Not to mention I feel so stressed all the time. My mind is never in one place and I can't focus on anything that I'm doing, I hate caring so much and I don't know why I do, but I do anyway. I can never seem to get a grip on anything and balance out my life. It's all just school, it seems. And I can't help but feel so lonely. I haven't taken on a "best friend" in fears I'll become someone's bitch and be fucked over. Plus, I'd rather have a lot of friends then a really close friend here. I already have people that I'm close with. But, I just miss them so much, it's unbearable.
I don't know what my problem is. I can't see what I could be miserable about. I feel like I've been replaced in everyone's lives since I've left Pearl River. But, I definietly like college more than High School. Looking back on high school, I feel like I wasted my time. I mean, it's over and done with, so I can't do anything about it.
I just feel so stuck in this rut. I'm always n a rut. I want to enjoy my life and feel something. I don't remember the last time I felt something. I feel like such a douche bag saying this, cause i sound like a patehtic shit, but I kind of just want someone to flirt and snuggle with. Is that fucking gay? I son't know. i just can't help it. I'm so tired I can't see straigh. I'm stoppping writing right now. later
Caitit.

Things I Love Thursday

Seeing as Gala Darling is my blogging idol, I thought I would do this. That and I'm hoping it will pick my spirits up. I think that out of all the craziness that takes over me, I forget to appreciate things. Thinking about writing things down that I love is already clearing up my head a little bit. It makes me feel small, like that Kimya Dawson called "I Like Giants." She sings about how she's
"a tiny spec of dust inside a giant's eye." Suddenly, everything seems a little less crazy. And less stressful and serious.
It's so much better this way. Anyways, my list.
My Roommates; I'm so thankful for my roommates. They're so amazing and never give me shit and make me feel awesome. I've never been comfortable around people, but they make me feel comfortable and that's helped me meet people. I love how we do stupid shit til all hours of the morning and we're the only roommates I've heard of that get along as well as we do.
School; I must be an idiot for saying this, but I should appreciate just being here. Not everyone has gotten this chance and I should appreciate that. And some day when all the work is done, I'll be a better person and artist.

I'll finish this later

Late Nights

I'm lucky if I get to bed before 4am at this point. Right now I feel so isolated. All I do is school work, but I feel as if it amounts to nothing. My body hurts all over from being tired...among other things.
I'm watching Garden State as I do my homework and it's just making me really depressed and feel more isolated. I just want to feel something. I don't have any strong feelings at all except sadness and numbness. I don't even know if those are the right words.
I feel like my life doesn't exist. I feel as if it just moves along and then that's it. As if I'm never really a prominent fixture in anyone's life. I feel meaningless and insignificant. I guess my idea of self-value is so low that people see through it and then place me in that category. Friday night was sweet. I'd never been held before and I long for the feeling again. But, all I can see is that it will never mean as much to him as it did to me. I guess the only reason why I feel so negative about it is because in the past 18 years of my existence, no one has ever given me that much attention. But, I know it's because I was what's around and when I'm drunk, my inhibitions soar through the window.
I just put myself in these situations and I just can't deal with it.
I need to go back to doing my work.

First Entry

I'm feeling a little better about everything.
I guess it was just my hangover talking.
I'm not sure why I got one of these. Maybe it's because I know people won't read it like they read my live journal. Well. I mostly got one because my cousin did and I like keeping up with her. The two hour distance seems to get longer every day because I miss her so much. Hopefully I'll be able to get home this weekend if I don't have such a ridiculous amount of homework.
I'm watching Enchanted right now. I can't decide if someone like Gizelle would exist. And if she does for what reasons. Is she stupid and oblivious or is really brilliant and doesn't complicate things beyond reason like everyone else does.
I can't stop thinking about Saturday night. It's actually kind of funny. Instead of focusing on the negative things, I need to step back and look at the positives. It was hot...that's for sure.
And that's really all that matters.
I'm so excited for halloween. What I want to be changes almost every day. I kinda wanna be Pebbles from The Flinstones right now. But, I doubt I'll be able to find something suitable. So, that'll probably leave me with just being a cavewoman.
I don't know why I got one of these. My life isn't that exciting. I wish I could have a legit blog like Gala Darling, which is one of the greatest things I have ever read. It always makes me feel good. Hehe.
Anyways, I have to go
Caiti