It's 3:42pm, do you know where your life's at?

I've been trying improve who I am on the inside. Maybe that will improve who I am on the outside, because I sure hate what I look like. People tell me I'm pretty and creepy men hit on me, but that's about the extent of it. I feel as if the people who say I'm pretty say it out of obligation or to get into my pants...or they're just old and that's just whatever.
Ever since I left Philly, I felt like I left myself behind. When I was packing, that's the one thing I forgot.
I'm not myself lately and I don't know why. Was I focusing on work so much that I forgot who I was? Or is it that I've become so dependent on my friends that I can't function on my own without them.
If that's the case, I don't know how I feel about that. I want to be able to be independent with the commodity of people around me as a plus. I can't spend the rest of my life being so dependent on people. What I have found is that it's usually disappointing and I walk on eggshells around them because I'm afraid they're gonna leave me. The reason why I want them at such a distance is because more often than not, I'm helping them, but when I need help their so involved in their own problems or lives that they cannot invest some time to hear me out. I mean, there are about two people I can depend on in this entire world to be there. I guess that's better than none. But, I can't help feeling that I'm being taken advantage of. It's in my nature to help people. I don't do it because I want recognition, but I hate feeling alone.
Recently, I was slapped in the face. Not psychically, but in a way I never thought I would. After all the birthdays I have been a part of or made plans for people this year, I was ditched. Completely. I made plans with the one friend from school who lived the closest to me, just to get a call two days before that they were going to visit their boyfriend and maybe we could meet up the next morning, not noting our aforementioned plans. Did they think I was going to forget or that out of the one day out of the year I ask them to devote one day to me aside from their boyfriend especially when I've been going through such a shitty point in my life and all I ask for is just one day.
Maybe I'm complaining too much and letting stupid things get to me. Or maybe I deserve it. Who really knows.
My hatred for Dennis multiplies each day for various reasons. While my mother and I are living in a one bedroom apartment smaller than my dorm, Dennis is down the hall in a spacious two bedroom because he claims he needed the space.
Way to go, asshole. Really? Thanks. I'm glad me and my mom alternate between the couch and the bed and then have no room for any of my shit cause of you. Thanks a lot. You're the father I never had. Oh wait. No. My father actually did something you wouldn't do: stay the fuck away from me and my mother.
He is the baby brother I never had. And never wanted.
When I'm away at school he's fine. Why? Because I'm not around. But, the second I come home, he becomes a wreck and has declared warfare, his main weapon being pining for my mother's attention, making sure it's all directed at him and she's neglecting me.
Yipee. I get to sit home alone, all day. Then when she comes home, she's either on the phone or he wants her down the hall. I swear, the only time I ever get to spend with her is when she is asking for my help on something. I feel as if she wants nothing to do with me. I'm just some clutter in her life. I love her to bits, but I feel like she constantly puts me aside because I won't ever leave her.
How was my birthday? I got no presents. Why? She didn't have the time or money.
My birthday was probably the most depressing one yet. The only saving grace was that I hung out with Mary Cate and Gagi cooked me a dinner and I was surrounded by lovely people who love me. And I am so lucky for that.
I don't know what's wrong with me because I let all this negative shit eat at me and I never fulyl enjoy things.
This is my life. It's all I have. I want to enjoy it and I can't find out what's stopping me.

Well, I have to take a shit.
-Caiti