If Columbus Was Wrong, I'd Drive Straight Off the Edge

Thursday was such a weird night. I went to Anderson to do my homework and then this kid came in to do his work to. He began having random outbursts, so I asked him whatsup. He said he couldn't stop thinking about this girl and it was driving him nuts. I went back to doing my work and he said something along the lines of, " I can't work with you here." And I ignored the comment. But, he went on. And I was like, "who do you like," and he's like, "Guess". I was like, "I really don't know." And he smiles at me, tilting his head. "Guess." "Mary? I don't know." "No, just guess." Well, I finally shy-ed away from the conversation.

I don't even know what I'm feeling now. I can't tell if I'm hung over or tired. This weekend was comprised of two extremeites. Fun and not fun. Friday night was just fun. I got drunk with people and hung out on top of superfresh, which was fun. We came back to the dorm and danced around and passed out on my floor. The next day it was intensely rainey, but me and Amanda were gonna go down to South street anyways. Along the way, we found Blake. My new friend that I made the night before when I was drunk as shit. The three of us went down and went shopping for a long time. We got back and began getting ready for the party. I was dressed up as a cat. I looked pretty banging. We got to the party, and I drank way too much. I spent a lot of time outside chain smoking and being stupid and loud. Looking back on it now, I feel like such an idiot. Then, Amanda tells me that that kid from Anderson is at the party. I go outside and hug him really hard. Oh jeez. At some point, I end up down stairs at the keg and he's there, so I go over to talk to him. I pretty much harassed him about who he liked. I kept saying, "you totally like blah blah" over and over again, after he fought me on it, he agreeed. I'm not sure if it wasn an attempt to shut me up or what. But, I wound up slippig and falling. He helped me up and took me to the couch and made sure I was okay. I must have looks like such an idiot, I can't even handle it.

Then, today in class it was so awkward. I don't even know why. He would try and talk to me, but I just felt so upset that I guess it seeed like I was pushing him away. And he was saying to me, "I didn't say anything....if you know what I mean." But, I didn't and I wasn't about to ask him.
I'm just so confused right now.

Well

I can't believe how fast this week went.
I thought my homesick-ness was done for, but sometimes I just feel so desolate and empty. Not to mention I feel so stressed all the time. My mind is never in one place and I can't focus on anything that I'm doing, I hate caring so much and I don't know why I do, but I do anyway. I can never seem to get a grip on anything and balance out my life. It's all just school, it seems. And I can't help but feel so lonely. I haven't taken on a "best friend" in fears I'll become someone's bitch and be fucked over. Plus, I'd rather have a lot of friends then a really close friend here. I already have people that I'm close with. But, I just miss them so much, it's unbearable.
I don't know what my problem is. I can't see what I could be miserable about. I feel like I've been replaced in everyone's lives since I've left Pearl River. But, I definietly like college more than High School. Looking back on high school, I feel like I wasted my time. I mean, it's over and done with, so I can't do anything about it.
I just feel so stuck in this rut. I'm always n a rut. I want to enjoy my life and feel something. I don't remember the last time I felt something. I feel like such a douche bag saying this, cause i sound like a patehtic shit, but I kind of just want someone to flirt and snuggle with. Is that fucking gay? I son't know. i just can't help it. I'm so tired I can't see straigh. I'm stoppping writing right now. later
Caitit.

Things I Love Thursday

Seeing as Gala Darling is my blogging idol, I thought I would do this. That and I'm hoping it will pick my spirits up. I think that out of all the craziness that takes over me, I forget to appreciate things. Thinking about writing things down that I love is already clearing up my head a little bit. It makes me feel small, like that Kimya Dawson called "I Like Giants." She sings about how she's
"a tiny spec of dust inside a giant's eye." Suddenly, everything seems a little less crazy. And less stressful and serious.
It's so much better this way. Anyways, my list.
My Roommates; I'm so thankful for my roommates. They're so amazing and never give me shit and make me feel awesome. I've never been comfortable around people, but they make me feel comfortable and that's helped me meet people. I love how we do stupid shit til all hours of the morning and we're the only roommates I've heard of that get along as well as we do.
School; I must be an idiot for saying this, but I should appreciate just being here. Not everyone has gotten this chance and I should appreciate that. And some day when all the work is done, I'll be a better person and artist.

I'll finish this later

Late Nights

I'm lucky if I get to bed before 4am at this point. Right now I feel so isolated. All I do is school work, but I feel as if it amounts to nothing. My body hurts all over from being tired...among other things.
I'm watching Garden State as I do my homework and it's just making me really depressed and feel more isolated. I just want to feel something. I don't have any strong feelings at all except sadness and numbness. I don't even know if those are the right words.
I feel like my life doesn't exist. I feel as if it just moves along and then that's it. As if I'm never really a prominent fixture in anyone's life. I feel meaningless and insignificant. I guess my idea of self-value is so low that people see through it and then place me in that category. Friday night was sweet. I'd never been held before and I long for the feeling again. But, all I can see is that it will never mean as much to him as it did to me. I guess the only reason why I feel so negative about it is because in the past 18 years of my existence, no one has ever given me that much attention. But, I know it's because I was what's around and when I'm drunk, my inhibitions soar through the window.
I just put myself in these situations and I just can't deal with it.
I need to go back to doing my work.

First Entry

I'm feeling a little better about everything.
I guess it was just my hangover talking.
I'm not sure why I got one of these. Maybe it's because I know people won't read it like they read my live journal. Well. I mostly got one because my cousin did and I like keeping up with her. The two hour distance seems to get longer every day because I miss her so much. Hopefully I'll be able to get home this weekend if I don't have such a ridiculous amount of homework.
I'm watching Enchanted right now. I can't decide if someone like Gizelle would exist. And if she does for what reasons. Is she stupid and oblivious or is really brilliant and doesn't complicate things beyond reason like everyone else does.
I can't stop thinking about Saturday night. It's actually kind of funny. Instead of focusing on the negative things, I need to step back and look at the positives. It was hot...that's for sure.
And that's really all that matters.
I'm so excited for halloween. What I want to be changes almost every day. I kinda wanna be Pebbles from The Flinstones right now. But, I doubt I'll be able to find something suitable. So, that'll probably leave me with just being a cavewoman.
I don't know why I got one of these. My life isn't that exciting. I wish I could have a legit blog like Gala Darling, which is one of the greatest things I have ever read. It always makes me feel good. Hehe.
Anyways, I have to go
Caiti