It's...whatever

I feel like the most thankless person. It makes me borderline sick. I feel like Christmas is just a waste of time and money and nothing more. I wish it never existed. It's a bunch of shit. Family time this, buy me that. Seriously? If it weren't for a few people, family wouldn't mean jack shit for me. I've only had one part of my family there for me ever. And I have a lot of family. I feel like the back sheep all the time. My Uncle was having all of our family over today.

I guess I'm not family 'cause I wasn't invited.

I'm never invited to anything. That's my uncle. I don't know why, but even when my aunt five minutes away has anything, I'm not invited. I guess it's 'cause my Dad doesn't want to see me there? I don't understand. As a kid I used to always be seeing them. You can't just be there one second and then decide you want nothing to do with me. Like, on St. Patrick's day, I got drunk in the city and ended up calling my dad. I met up with him and he was with one of my uncles and his three kids, all over 21. And they all kept saying to me, drunk as shit, "Caitlin, I'm so sorry, I feel like we've neglected you." Well, no shit. Now all this shit with my Aunt is eating away at me. Every facet of trust I invested in her has been destroyed and ultimately backfired. How can someone do this their sister and all. It makes me about sick. Is everyone an asshole in this world? But then there are people like Mary and Gagi and Mary Cate that are proof that there are good people out there.
I feel like my mom is too tired to be my mom. Like, she wants to be done. She never wants to do anything with me and she takes no interest in anything that I do aside from school....and me not getting a tattoo. Christmas, money was tight and I didn't get anything I particularly liked, but like every other year, I pretended to like it. I'm getting my iPod when my mom gets paid from WalMart 'cause I have a $100 gift cert. to there. It just makes me so upset 'cause I always see so much that I want, but can't have, so I don't tell anyone. But, then there's Dennis who at the drop of a hat who buys $300 worth of shit....while I can't register for my classes yet 'cause I'm not financially cleared. That has me so stressed out. This has been going on for over a month and my mom hasn't done anything about it. Is it going to be taken care of when I go back to school? I'm freaking out. My mom says to stop bugging her about it and that she'll take care of it, but it's beena month and she still hasn't done anything. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I can't breathe. Sometimes, at night, as I'm trying to go to sleep, I'll just have panic attacks because I can't stop thinking about everything. I can't breathe. And I keep thinking I'm going to die. I can't live like this. No matter what I do with myself, I just feel completely inadequate and discontent.
I don't want to die with regrets.
I guess that's enough bullshit for one sitting.

I Give Up

I've probably ruined all my chances with him and it kills me no matter how hard I try to put myself in denial. It's going to be easier now that I won't see him every day, but I still can't get him off my mind. It's absolutely killing me.
What's worse is, I always have my friends around me but I still feel so lonely. It's wrong.
I hate boys and for the life of me can't deal with them.

I'm taking a break from homework to clear my head.
Me and Mary laid on my floor in the dark and looked at the shadows on the ceiling as we skipped our elective. We listened to music and talked. I finally relaxed. It was nice.
But, to be honest I can't stop thinking about this son of a bitch. I can't talk to him without stuttering or going blank. It's impossible. And I get so jumpy, I just ignore him. I'm giving him the wrong message, I know. But, I like him too much it'll hurt. I think he likes me back. After everything that went on. And today he bumped into me, but I was too nervous to turn my head. He then continued to make strange noises. He would.
I wish I wasn't such a tool. Hah.

If Columbus Was Wrong, I'd Drive Straight Off the Edge

Thursday was such a weird night. I went to Anderson to do my homework and then this kid came in to do his work to. He began having random outbursts, so I asked him whatsup. He said he couldn't stop thinking about this girl and it was driving him nuts. I went back to doing my work and he said something along the lines of, " I can't work with you here." And I ignored the comment. But, he went on. And I was like, "who do you like," and he's like, "Guess". I was like, "I really don't know." And he smiles at me, tilting his head. "Guess." "Mary? I don't know." "No, just guess." Well, I finally shy-ed away from the conversation.

I don't even know what I'm feeling now. I can't tell if I'm hung over or tired. This weekend was comprised of two extremeites. Fun and not fun. Friday night was just fun. I got drunk with people and hung out on top of superfresh, which was fun. We came back to the dorm and danced around and passed out on my floor. The next day it was intensely rainey, but me and Amanda were gonna go down to South street anyways. Along the way, we found Blake. My new friend that I made the night before when I was drunk as shit. The three of us went down and went shopping for a long time. We got back and began getting ready for the party. I was dressed up as a cat. I looked pretty banging. We got to the party, and I drank way too much. I spent a lot of time outside chain smoking and being stupid and loud. Looking back on it now, I feel like such an idiot. Then, Amanda tells me that that kid from Anderson is at the party. I go outside and hug him really hard. Oh jeez. At some point, I end up down stairs at the keg and he's there, so I go over to talk to him. I pretty much harassed him about who he liked. I kept saying, "you totally like blah blah" over and over again, after he fought me on it, he agreeed. I'm not sure if it wasn an attempt to shut me up or what. But, I wound up slippig and falling. He helped me up and took me to the couch and made sure I was okay. I must have looks like such an idiot, I can't even handle it.

Then, today in class it was so awkward. I don't even know why. He would try and talk to me, but I just felt so upset that I guess it seeed like I was pushing him away. And he was saying to me, "I didn't say anything....if you know what I mean." But, I didn't and I wasn't about to ask him.
I'm just so confused right now.

Well

I can't believe how fast this week went.
I thought my homesick-ness was done for, but sometimes I just feel so desolate and empty. Not to mention I feel so stressed all the time. My mind is never in one place and I can't focus on anything that I'm doing, I hate caring so much and I don't know why I do, but I do anyway. I can never seem to get a grip on anything and balance out my life. It's all just school, it seems. And I can't help but feel so lonely. I haven't taken on a "best friend" in fears I'll become someone's bitch and be fucked over. Plus, I'd rather have a lot of friends then a really close friend here. I already have people that I'm close with. But, I just miss them so much, it's unbearable.
I don't know what my problem is. I can't see what I could be miserable about. I feel like I've been replaced in everyone's lives since I've left Pearl River. But, I definietly like college more than High School. Looking back on high school, I feel like I wasted my time. I mean, it's over and done with, so I can't do anything about it.
I just feel so stuck in this rut. I'm always n a rut. I want to enjoy my life and feel something. I don't remember the last time I felt something. I feel like such a douche bag saying this, cause i sound like a patehtic shit, but I kind of just want someone to flirt and snuggle with. Is that fucking gay? I son't know. i just can't help it. I'm so tired I can't see straigh. I'm stoppping writing right now. later
Caitit.

Things I Love Thursday

Seeing as Gala Darling is my blogging idol, I thought I would do this. That and I'm hoping it will pick my spirits up. I think that out of all the craziness that takes over me, I forget to appreciate things. Thinking about writing things down that I love is already clearing up my head a little bit. It makes me feel small, like that Kimya Dawson called "I Like Giants." She sings about how she's
"a tiny spec of dust inside a giant's eye." Suddenly, everything seems a little less crazy. And less stressful and serious.
It's so much better this way. Anyways, my list.
My Roommates; I'm so thankful for my roommates. They're so amazing and never give me shit and make me feel awesome. I've never been comfortable around people, but they make me feel comfortable and that's helped me meet people. I love how we do stupid shit til all hours of the morning and we're the only roommates I've heard of that get along as well as we do.
School; I must be an idiot for saying this, but I should appreciate just being here. Not everyone has gotten this chance and I should appreciate that. And some day when all the work is done, I'll be a better person and artist.

I'll finish this later

Late Nights

I'm lucky if I get to bed before 4am at this point. Right now I feel so isolated. All I do is school work, but I feel as if it amounts to nothing. My body hurts all over from being tired...among other things.
I'm watching Garden State as I do my homework and it's just making me really depressed and feel more isolated. I just want to feel something. I don't have any strong feelings at all except sadness and numbness. I don't even know if those are the right words.
I feel like my life doesn't exist. I feel as if it just moves along and then that's it. As if I'm never really a prominent fixture in anyone's life. I feel meaningless and insignificant. I guess my idea of self-value is so low that people see through it and then place me in that category. Friday night was sweet. I'd never been held before and I long for the feeling again. But, all I can see is that it will never mean as much to him as it did to me. I guess the only reason why I feel so negative about it is because in the past 18 years of my existence, no one has ever given me that much attention. But, I know it's because I was what's around and when I'm drunk, my inhibitions soar through the window.
I just put myself in these situations and I just can't deal with it.
I need to go back to doing my work.

First Entry

I'm feeling a little better about everything.
I guess it was just my hangover talking.
I'm not sure why I got one of these. Maybe it's because I know people won't read it like they read my live journal. Well. I mostly got one because my cousin did and I like keeping up with her. The two hour distance seems to get longer every day because I miss her so much. Hopefully I'll be able to get home this weekend if I don't have such a ridiculous amount of homework.
I'm watching Enchanted right now. I can't decide if someone like Gizelle would exist. And if she does for what reasons. Is she stupid and oblivious or is really brilliant and doesn't complicate things beyond reason like everyone else does.
I can't stop thinking about Saturday night. It's actually kind of funny. Instead of focusing on the negative things, I need to step back and look at the positives. It was hot...that's for sure.
And that's really all that matters.
I'm so excited for halloween. What I want to be changes almost every day. I kinda wanna be Pebbles from The Flinstones right now. But, I doubt I'll be able to find something suitable. So, that'll probably leave me with just being a cavewoman.
I don't know why I got one of these. My life isn't that exciting. I wish I could have a legit blog like Gala Darling, which is one of the greatest things I have ever read. It always makes me feel good. Hehe.
Anyways, I have to go
Caiti