It's 3:42pm, do you know where your life's at?

I've been trying improve who I am on the inside. Maybe that will improve who I am on the outside, because I sure hate what I look like. People tell me I'm pretty and creepy men hit on me, but that's about the extent of it. I feel as if the people who say I'm pretty say it out of obligation or to get into my pants...or they're just old and that's just whatever.
Ever since I left Philly, I felt like I left myself behind. When I was packing, that's the one thing I forgot.
I'm not myself lately and I don't know why. Was I focusing on work so much that I forgot who I was? Or is it that I've become so dependent on my friends that I can't function on my own without them.
If that's the case, I don't know how I feel about that. I want to be able to be independent with the commodity of people around me as a plus. I can't spend the rest of my life being so dependent on people. What I have found is that it's usually disappointing and I walk on eggshells around them because I'm afraid they're gonna leave me. The reason why I want them at such a distance is because more often than not, I'm helping them, but when I need help their so involved in their own problems or lives that they cannot invest some time to hear me out. I mean, there are about two people I can depend on in this entire world to be there. I guess that's better than none. But, I can't help feeling that I'm being taken advantage of. It's in my nature to help people. I don't do it because I want recognition, but I hate feeling alone.
Recently, I was slapped in the face. Not psychically, but in a way I never thought I would. After all the birthdays I have been a part of or made plans for people this year, I was ditched. Completely. I made plans with the one friend from school who lived the closest to me, just to get a call two days before that they were going to visit their boyfriend and maybe we could meet up the next morning, not noting our aforementioned plans. Did they think I was going to forget or that out of the one day out of the year I ask them to devote one day to me aside from their boyfriend especially when I've been going through such a shitty point in my life and all I ask for is just one day.
Maybe I'm complaining too much and letting stupid things get to me. Or maybe I deserve it. Who really knows.
My hatred for Dennis multiplies each day for various reasons. While my mother and I are living in a one bedroom apartment smaller than my dorm, Dennis is down the hall in a spacious two bedroom because he claims he needed the space.
Way to go, asshole. Really? Thanks. I'm glad me and my mom alternate between the couch and the bed and then have no room for any of my shit cause of you. Thanks a lot. You're the father I never had. Oh wait. No. My father actually did something you wouldn't do: stay the fuck away from me and my mother.
He is the baby brother I never had. And never wanted.
When I'm away at school he's fine. Why? Because I'm not around. But, the second I come home, he becomes a wreck and has declared warfare, his main weapon being pining for my mother's attention, making sure it's all directed at him and she's neglecting me.
Yipee. I get to sit home alone, all day. Then when she comes home, she's either on the phone or he wants her down the hall. I swear, the only time I ever get to spend with her is when she is asking for my help on something. I feel as if she wants nothing to do with me. I'm just some clutter in her life. I love her to bits, but I feel like she constantly puts me aside because I won't ever leave her.
How was my birthday? I got no presents. Why? She didn't have the time or money.
My birthday was probably the most depressing one yet. The only saving grace was that I hung out with Mary Cate and Gagi cooked me a dinner and I was surrounded by lovely people who love me. And I am so lucky for that.
I don't know what's wrong with me because I let all this negative shit eat at me and I never fulyl enjoy things.
This is my life. It's all I have. I want to enjoy it and I can't find out what's stopping me.

Well, I have to take a shit.
-Caiti

Truth

I'm willing to bet my life on the fact that people look at me and thank God they are not me and don't look like me.

Hurricane

I had a good day yesterday.
Really good.
I was supposed to hang out with time, but like clockwork, he ditched me. I didn't care 'cause I was planning on ditching him too.
I woke up. I then took a shower, made myself breakfast, and put air in the tires of my bike. After they were all full, I took a ride to the bank, deposited some cash, then rode back home. I smoked, a lot. Then bought myself a ticket to the Less Than Jake show on Saturday, which is going to be fabulous. In my heavy stupor, I watched some bad tv, which was really good. I went to CVS, got on the bus to the mall, and saw Watchmen.
I was so scared to go by myself so far while I was so fucked up, but it was such a fun adventure. And Watchmen was so fucking good. It's filmed so well. And the colors are so vibrant and..
Well, if you haven't seen it, you should.
My spring break is almost finished. My first night back was rough. I came home to find that everything back home is springing out of control. I hope something good comes of all of this. Probably not.
Then I went to the Bronx to meet up with my dad (which was SO awkward) and he gave me a tour of the new Yankee Stadium. I don't feel related to him. Whenever I see him or hang out with him, it's like the few hours I hang out with him don't belong in the chronology of my life and they are set aside in a different dimension.
I guess that's the definition of estranged. It was a cool tour...but we didn't have anything to say to each other.
I was hoping maybe he'd give me some money as a gift for turning 18, graduating high school, and going to college, and through all of that never giving me a fucking dime while me and my mom lived without running water or electricity.
But, I was expecting too much. Most of our conversation was him asking me about where I went to school and what my major was.
That night I hung out with Conway and Dan and we went to Conway's Dad's place of work and smoked. I got really high. We took a ride to McDonalds and dropped Dan off and came back here and watched Slumdog Millionaire. I fell asleep watching it, haha.
Saturday me and Blake went up to Mana's. It was so fucking nice to get away. Her home is so fucking pretty and relaxing. We drove around, went to target (got munchie food) and smoked in her club house-thing. It's like a mini-house her Dad built. It's so cute.
The next day we went to this dam that was so pretty. It was this big waterfall and it was pretty. We hung out at Mana's more then decided to go to Blake's a day early. We got there at like...9. We hung out, then went to this "club house" (that's seriously what it was called. she lives in this really high end development). It looked like the place Clue took place in. It had a kitchen, large bathrooms with a shower, massage room, steam room, and sauna. We smoked in the steam room. It was so cool. It got so steamy, we couldn't even see out of the thing we were in. We went back and watched Prom night, which I found funny.
The next day, we went to IHOP and it was really good. We dropped Blake off, then me and mana went to my house, smoked, then went to Chili's. After that, she had to go home. I chilled at home the next day, then Mary Cate picked me up. I hung out with her and it was really nice. We went to Qdoba and then just chilled at her house. I went to the show the next night, which kinda sucked. But, whatever. I went home that night.
The next day was the best day ever.
I'm supposed to be packing my room up or something.
I can't bring myself to do it.

Hey 2009

So, I don't feel any different.
Everything seems the same.
But, I do have to admit that this was one of the best new years eve's I've ever had.
Colleen came up the Monday before New Years eve from Philly. I was so happy to see her. She pulled me out of this perpetually pathetic depression I have been in since I left Philly. Christina came up that day too and the three of us went to the mall. I think we just walked around. We got back to my place, dyed mine and Colleen's hair blonde and then Christina split. The next day me and Coll woke up around 2:30 and made our way to Steve's for a party....I got trashed, Coll was high. We chilled for a good while, then bounced.
The next day could probably equate to three whole days. I mean, that's what it felt like. And usually, that insinuates something tedious and bad. But, this was not the case. It was just...so much happened it could have been three days. Me and Coll woke up early, got ready and caught the train to the city to meet Gia. After sitting in Port Authority listening to a painful hour and a half round of week old Christmas Music the Greyhound from Philly arrived with Gia and we went to Penn Station and hopped on the LIRR to Bethpage, Lawng Oiiland.
It was a packed train. Me and Coll sat next to eachother, Gia sat in front of us. The entire time, some orange lady was talking about her many failed marriages and her kids. She seemed a little young to have such an extensive past, but she had "gold-digger" pretty much branded on her forehead. I wish a pre-nup on her current husband.
We get to Bethpage in the -1000000 degree freezing weather. Christina picked us up. My door didn't work so I had to climb into the back seat to get out. The door froze shut. I dropped of my shit, we all went to Panera, got booze, and went to the train station. We sat in the cars and waited. In that time I pretty much dumped out the majority of my soda and filled the bottle with some rum, then filled up my flask (while spilling it over myself).
The nine of us got on the train. Me, Coll, Gia, and Justin were the only ones drinking at this point. I think. I don't know. I kinda assume everyone's sober when I'm fucked up. By the time we got to Penn Station, I was gone. We got a spot on 53rd at around 10.
It was fucking freezeing. Looking back on it, it seems like five very cold minutes. But in that time some dude looking like he was from Hogwarts pissed on my boot (and maybe my leg, I guess I'll never know).
I think that was the most excited I've ever been counting down til the New Year. I mean, a year that had such high expctations was really a disapointment. But that's what I learned this year. The higher the expectations, murphy's law, the greater the disappointment.
Anyways, we got back to Long Island and the party started. Everyone was fucked up. I just got more fucked up and, I don't know how it started or ended, hooked up with someone and then woke up the next morning at 11....still drunk.
I didn't sober up til 4/5 in the afternoon, lol.
I spent the next few days on Long Island and went home that Saturday and saw Rocky in Bergenfield with Christina and Emily.
Everything has been pretty slow since then.
I just want to be back in Philly. I love it there.