I feel like the most thankless person. It makes me borderline sick. I feel like Christmas is just a waste of time and money and nothing more. I wish it never existed. It's a bunch of shit. Family time this, buy me that. Seriously? If it weren't for a few people, family wouldn't mean jack shit for me. I've only had one part of my family there for me ever. And I have a lot of family. I feel like the back sheep all the time. My Uncle was having all of our family over today.
I guess I'm not family 'cause I wasn't invited.
I'm never invited to anything. That's my uncle. I don't know why, but even when my aunt five minutes away has anything, I'm not invited. I guess it's 'cause my Dad doesn't want to see me there? I don't understand. As a kid I used to always be seeing them. You can't just be there one second and then decide you want nothing to do with me. Like, on St. Patrick's day, I got drunk in the city and ended up calling my dad. I met up with him and he was with one of my uncles and his three kids, all over 21. And they all kept saying to me, drunk as shit, "Caitlin, I'm so sorry, I feel like we've neglected you." Well, no shit. Now all this shit with my Aunt is eating away at me. Every facet of trust I invested in her has been destroyed and ultimately backfired. How can someone do this their sister and all. It makes me about sick. Is everyone an asshole in this world? But then there are people like Mary and Gagi and Mary Cate that are proof that there are good people out there.I feel like my mom is too tired to be my mom. Like, she wants to be done. She never wants to do anything with me and she takes no interest in anything that I do aside from school....and me not getting a tattoo. Christmas, money was tight and I didn't get anything I particularly liked, but like every other year, I pretended to like it. I'm getting my iPod when my mom gets paid from WalMart 'cause I have a $100 gift cert. to there. It just makes me so upset 'cause I always see so much that I want, but can't have, so I don't tell anyone. But, then there's Dennis who at the drop of a hat who buys $300 worth of shit....while I can't register for my classes yet 'cause I'm not financially cleared. That has me so stressed out. This has been going on for over a month and my mom hasn't done anything about it. Is it going to be taken care of when I go back to school? I'm freaking out. My mom says to stop bugging her about it and that she'll take care of it, but it's beena month and she still hasn't done anything. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I can't breathe. Sometimes, at night, as I'm trying to go to sleep, I'll just have panic attacks because I can't stop thinking about everything. I can't breathe. And I keep thinking I'm going to die. I can't live like this. No matter what I do with myself, I just feel completely inadequate and discontent.
I don't want to die with regrets.
I guess that's enough bullshit for one sitting.
